New Moon, Old Shit

Vampires, Werewolfs, and Douchebags. Is there anything this series doesn’t have? Except, you know, decent fucking writing?

I truly don’t understand what the fuss is about. Stephenie Meyer is a fucking hack. I had the misfortune of being stuck in Minneapolis last year after a most bitching Slipknot show and the next morning, while nursing my hangover and waiting for everyone else to wake up, I pulled the book from the shelf of a deranged fan and perused the first 200 pages or so in like, 30 minutes. Granted, I read like roadrunners fuck but I’m not that fast. It was just that easy to read. It might as well have been published by Scholastic next to the nickel books on your kindergartners’ desk. It was disgusting.

“Ohhh Edward, make me your zombie he-bitch! Giggle!” wailed millions of androgynous ass-wipes.

Can this shit get any worse? These pieces of shit get released faster than big-booty whores marry semi-talented basketball players. New Moon is right around the corner and I feel the need to brain anyone I see reading this book. Look, it’s no secret I hate this shit and have long harbored venomous thoughts about blowing up Stephenie with my mind but can we tone it down a bit? Edward doesn’t need to be branded on your 13 year old daughters bitty-titties.

Anyone with half a dead-brain (read: the fans) would realize that Edward, as a vampire, is over a hundred years old, a 104 to be exact according to Wikipedia, and as such, his involvement with “Bella” would be a cut and dry case of pedophilia. Is this really the message we want to send to the world 382 million times over?

I hope you all get paper cuts and die over your copy of Breaking Dawn.

Be Well Citizen

This Is Why Updates Haven't Happened

Because over the last few months, some friends and myself have been pounding this out (see the widget on the left and join us over at our Official Fan Page) and we go live January 1st, 2010. It's gonna be wild.

Be Well Citizen

The Semi-Bi-Kind-Of-Monthly Update. I'm Over It.

Shit almighty, it's been a wild couple of months.

I've managed to set myself on fire, damn near got banned from Six Flags, started writing a comic strip (with real art, not the cut and paste nonsense I do over at www.angrymessiahcomics.blogspot.com) and a graphic novel project that when we release it, will blow your socks off and put them in the washer.

So, yea, I've been damn busy.

Unfortunately, no job yet but one remains hopeful. I'm just hoping that I become gainfully employed before I have to stand in front of Obama's death panel.

I would figure that after this, you would have guessed that these updates will be few and far between. Hey, I took a year off before, no reason I can't do it again.


Be Well Citizen.

Andi Need's A New Phone!

Recently, my wife was coming home from BarBri classes when she got her iPhone jacked from her at the Wilson Red Line stop here in Chicago. We’ve only been here for 3 weeks. Nice way to start out in the city…

It was snatched right out of her hands, violating her personal space, her property and sense of excitement being in this city.

Naturally, within 45 minutes of it getting ganked, we had the number suspended, all the passwords changed and we called AT&T for some help. None was provided…

Sadly, the corporate blood leeches that AT&T has become, told us we were out of luck for the stolen phone. They would not activate the GPS to track it down. Our only remedy was to just accept that it was gone and in order to replace it, we would have had to have insurance on the iPhone. Guess what models AT&T doesn’t provide insurance for? Yea, you got it. The iPhone.

OS 3.0 just dropped and we COULD have tracked it down with a hundred dollar subscription to MobileMe but hell, even that’s not a guarantee. So, any one want to take a guess as to how much it is to replace a 300 dollar phone?

500 dollars.

That’s right. It’s 500 clams. Which brings me to my point. As a pre-job lawyer, just starting out and waiting to take her Bar Exam, she needs a phone. So I’m turning to you fine folks.

For just one dollar, EVER, you can give support to something that actually matters. This isn’t some child with a hairlip in Cambodia that needs 40 cents a day, this is an almost lawyer, planning on going into public service, looking for a hand up. If you can spare a buck, just scroll to the top of the page and donate.

Who knows, one day you might need her services. Couldn’t hurt to get some probono work for an act of kindness today.

Be Well Citizen.

Scatterblast! Fancy Waste Of Time

I loathe you, ketchup packet. You are .32 oz of nuisance. There is enough ketchup in one of these damn little bags of tomato tease for approximately 3 french fries. What, am I anorexic? NO! So give me some damn ketchup. Why can’t it come in the same container as the Sweet ‘N Sour sauce or BBQ sauces? Those are at least .75 oz, and are MUCH easier to open and to dip my fries in. And fancy ketchup? Fuck you. It’s regular ketchup. Oh, and take the hint from Arby’s sauce packets. Those are at least .50 oz.

That’s It. I’m Done.

June Update!

After a long and arduous move to Chicago, updates will continue next week. Internets are mine once more!

Be Well Citizen

Eureka! I've Found My Bigotry!

Continuing our coverage of the most basic of human rights extended to straight people everywhere, California pushes their collective head up their ass.

How the fuck this actually got pushed through in November is what astounds me. Now that the Supreme Court of California says it’s ok to fuck every gay person not married yet, they go ahead and keep the 18,000 gay marriages it’s already had (which hopefully will be it's undoing). It’s the very height of stupidity. Get your shit together. Connecticut, Iowa, Maine, Massachusetts, Maine and Vermont are happily more progressive than the land of legal weed. How the fuck?

Be Well Citizen.

My Wife, My Hero... My New Lawyer

So today’s the day. Graduation. After 7 long years of school, my wife is done with law school and on her way to kicking some major fucking ass on the Bar. I’m so proud of her and everything she’s done.

Look out world, it’s Magnum Mary, Esquire.

Be Well Citizen.

The Holy See Spot Make An Ass Out Of Himself

So it’s Angry Messiah Week here and I thought I’d start by ragging on the Pope.

Seems every time Bennie leaves his count, er… castle, er… house, he gets blasted for not doing enough condemnation of the Holocaust. Yea, The Holocaust. You know the one.

Well I don’t know what the hell these people want from a man who is the head of the Christian nation. He was a fucking Nazi for Christ sakes. Sure, sure, he claims it was compulsory and he had to join or face death but come on…

Does this look like the face of a man that wouldn’t lie to you?

Bennie is on a five day reconciliation tour, where he belts out Top Ten hits like "We Didn't Start the Fire", “Aufwiedershen” and “Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr. Hitler” so he can promote peace, love and understanding (What's So Funny 'Bout) between the two faiths. I don’t think for a fucking second that the Holy See can actually bring the Muslims and Jews together in happy matrimony under the guise of Israel. You can’t just pop a county down in the middle of someone else’s lands. Oh, wait. Maybe we can.

Face it; you’ll never be a JPII. Take your car, your city-state, your stupid fucking hat, and shut the fuck up already. You’ve angered just about everyone in Europe. If you would just hurry up and die, Jebus’s Fan Club can go and get a real Pope. One who inspires people. Who doesn’t say condoms spread AIDS. Who doesn’t have a Hitler Youth Rally as their soundtrack to life. Who doesn’t inspire people to produce riffs on your life. In short, a Pope you can have a beer with because god damit, that’s all Americans want.

Be Well Citizen

Scatterblast! Time & Place People, Time & Place

So I walked into the bathroom at work today and a co-worker was at one of the urinals already. Now I realize that this alone is not note worthy, but the fact that said co-worker was texting someone, is. Really? Is it so important that it couldn’t wait those 45 seconds for you to finish your business? Please people, understand that there’s a time and a place for everything. I just hope you didn’t tinkle on your BlackBerry.

That’s It. I’m Done.